Hindsight is 20/20
I'm a lucky gal. I hate my job, I'm not happy about my new landlady, and I've gained a few pounds going off of Depo...but I love where I live now and the possibilities before me, and the fact I now have a partner by my side who is not out to hold me down. Finally, at 34, I am in love with my best friend and he loves me back. Finally, I am on equal footing with not only someone I am very compatible with, but someone who is secure with himself and about me.
That is a relief. Most of the relationships in my life have been with vampires, particularly friends. One of them, upon calling me out of the blue months ago, couldn't stop chiding me with her favorite phrase, "Hindsight is 20/20". Well Carol, you were right. As always.
Looking back I can see that I should have left home much earlier. There was a scene in Good Will Hunting where Affleck's character tells Damon's character that he doesn't want to come back a year from now to find his friend still wasting his talent on the construction field. Now that's a good friend.
Hindsight shows me that my closest friends could never have said that. If they could literally tie you up in a bar in Quincy, MA and pour beer down your throat until you were unconscious, but you were still there and not out pursuing some selfish hobby like art or romance, they might. They did when I think about it!
I let my friends hold me back. Not the peripheral friends who I hung with...they were good people, I think of them often. I hope they're doing well, especially Paula and Stez. It's the women in my life, other than my mom, who held me back. I let them. Hindsight shows me I was naive and seeking closeness, a real sisterhood, with women in my life who measured closeness by how much you were willing to give up for them. Be it time, romantic relationships, private happiness, none of it mattered...only if they were happy. Hindsight shows me that they were only happy when you were devoted to their whims.
The most selfish of these women was my closest friend. There was nothing I could do to make her happy. She was always disappointed with my kind of friendship, I was always letting her down. I lent her money when she couldn't pay her bills, I was there for her night and day in person or by phone, I was by her side when her mother passed and her house burned down. I even moved into her house when her mother passed in order to help her family out. Her constant disapproval fed into my insecurity that maybe I wasn't a good enough friend, so I tried to measure up. I loved her like a sister, and we had great times I'll never forget. But I got sick of not being good enough. I got sick of sacrificing all my time. I got sick of her trying to control my relationships and being jealous of any time I took away from her.
It was almost incestuous. She was like a child, always crying for more, always demanding that what she was getting was not good enough, was not the pure blind loyalty she deserved. I got sick of being loyal to someone who only had her interests in mind. I got sick of feeding this constant open mouth who didn't appreciate the work I put into feeding it. She kept telling me I wasn't a good enough friend. Why would she miss me if I left?
I left this friendship once, then twice, because I got sick of being treated like this. Looking back, I was the best friend anyone could have had. Why was I still being treated like I wasn't good enough? Clearly, she had no respect. I let her know outright that her behavior was bothering me. I realized she wouldn't change, and my life was too short to deal with people who didn't respect me. So I left once. Then again, after a few years, for good. She'll never forgive me for it, and she'll tell the world I went crazy and I somehow burned her. She'll never admit to herself as she never has in her life that she might have been wrong...about anything.
There have been other women in my life that have been a heavy weight around my neck. I've learned through my errors in judgment, and I've learned through watching the true and loving friendship my mother has with her friend Nancy. My mother waited until her middle years before she found a friend as good as Nancy. This tells me how rare friendships are, and that if you find one where there is love, acceptance and true understanding, you are lucky. You don't settle for less like I have. You don't ever sell yourself short, and give all for a friend who does nothing but takes.
So I'm a lucky gal. Finally, at 34, I've sloughed off the selfish, childish, narcissist vampires in my life. I'd rather be alone than be entangled with them again. Having them out of my life is like seeing clouds roll back to reveal blue sky.
But I'm not alone. I come home each day to a wonderful man...my childhood sweetheart...who doesn't seek to hold me down, if anything, he supports everything I do. We're here together after many years of our separate struggles to accomplish what we want with our lives. Life is good. I've learned a lot. Time to move on.
That is a relief. Most of the relationships in my life have been with vampires, particularly friends. One of them, upon calling me out of the blue months ago, couldn't stop chiding me with her favorite phrase, "Hindsight is 20/20". Well Carol, you were right. As always.
Looking back I can see that I should have left home much earlier. There was a scene in Good Will Hunting where Affleck's character tells Damon's character that he doesn't want to come back a year from now to find his friend still wasting his talent on the construction field. Now that's a good friend.
Hindsight shows me that my closest friends could never have said that. If they could literally tie you up in a bar in Quincy, MA and pour beer down your throat until you were unconscious, but you were still there and not out pursuing some selfish hobby like art or romance, they might. They did when I think about it!
I let my friends hold me back. Not the peripheral friends who I hung with...they were good people, I think of them often. I hope they're doing well, especially Paula and Stez. It's the women in my life, other than my mom, who held me back. I let them. Hindsight shows me I was naive and seeking closeness, a real sisterhood, with women in my life who measured closeness by how much you were willing to give up for them. Be it time, romantic relationships, private happiness, none of it mattered...only if they were happy. Hindsight shows me that they were only happy when you were devoted to their whims.
The most selfish of these women was my closest friend. There was nothing I could do to make her happy. She was always disappointed with my kind of friendship, I was always letting her down. I lent her money when she couldn't pay her bills, I was there for her night and day in person or by phone, I was by her side when her mother passed and her house burned down. I even moved into her house when her mother passed in order to help her family out. Her constant disapproval fed into my insecurity that maybe I wasn't a good enough friend, so I tried to measure up. I loved her like a sister, and we had great times I'll never forget. But I got sick of not being good enough. I got sick of sacrificing all my time. I got sick of her trying to control my relationships and being jealous of any time I took away from her.
It was almost incestuous. She was like a child, always crying for more, always demanding that what she was getting was not good enough, was not the pure blind loyalty she deserved. I got sick of being loyal to someone who only had her interests in mind. I got sick of feeding this constant open mouth who didn't appreciate the work I put into feeding it. She kept telling me I wasn't a good enough friend. Why would she miss me if I left?
I left this friendship once, then twice, because I got sick of being treated like this. Looking back, I was the best friend anyone could have had. Why was I still being treated like I wasn't good enough? Clearly, she had no respect. I let her know outright that her behavior was bothering me. I realized she wouldn't change, and my life was too short to deal with people who didn't respect me. So I left once. Then again, after a few years, for good. She'll never forgive me for it, and she'll tell the world I went crazy and I somehow burned her. She'll never admit to herself as she never has in her life that she might have been wrong...about anything.
There have been other women in my life that have been a heavy weight around my neck. I've learned through my errors in judgment, and I've learned through watching the true and loving friendship my mother has with her friend Nancy. My mother waited until her middle years before she found a friend as good as Nancy. This tells me how rare friendships are, and that if you find one where there is love, acceptance and true understanding, you are lucky. You don't settle for less like I have. You don't ever sell yourself short, and give all for a friend who does nothing but takes.
So I'm a lucky gal. Finally, at 34, I've sloughed off the selfish, childish, narcissist vampires in my life. I'd rather be alone than be entangled with them again. Having them out of my life is like seeing clouds roll back to reveal blue sky.
But I'm not alone. I come home each day to a wonderful man...my childhood sweetheart...who doesn't seek to hold me down, if anything, he supports everything I do. We're here together after many years of our separate struggles to accomplish what we want with our lives. Life is good. I've learned a lot. Time to move on.
posted by Bostonbootgirl at 8:00 AM
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