Insomnia Rant
I’ve been dealing with insomnia for close to six months now. It started inexplicably. My body just literally would not fall asleep for days.
I’d lie awake feeling my blood pulse and my heart pump quickly. A mild anxiety. I tried hot showers, meditation and aromatherapy. That didn’t work. I tried sleeping pills. These didn’t work. I tried gin. That worked, but I hated it. I hated the idea of relying on booze to allow my body to slip into much needed sleep. Sometimes, the booze didn’t work.
My life was not stressful, although I had gone through a good dose of it recently in the past. Work was easy and unchallenging. The only stress came from the jitters of moving all I owned from Dallas to Miami, which could in fact be a contributor. Each night my heart would pound hard, or my mind would race. Or both.
I went to my doctor. Immediately she told me it sounded for all the world like a drug symptom. Some drug in my body was giving me unwanted side effects. I don’t take drugs usually, except pain killers for a bad back and neck. Or allergy meds. But I was on Depo Provera for birth control. That’s the hormone they shoot in your hip every three months. It was very convenient and always worked for me.
I stopped taking it. It’s been about 4 months since the last shot and now I’m in Florida finally. I now have a very stressful and frustrating job as a regional manager for a company that has yet to get its shit together. My periods are back and I’ve put on some weight…mostly from the drug leaving me and a slip in my diet and workouts due to 60+ hours of work a week and constant travel.
Sleep started coming again naturally a week ago. But now I’m back to being up. The heart is fine, but now my head races with work. I cannot stop my mind from trying to work while my body lies down…paperwork, phone calls, talking to my divisional manager, talking to my reps, imagining uncovered stores floating in my head on a map like mapquest and trying to think who in that area can I give them to.
This job was sold to me as 50% travel and no more than 40 hours. The pay could have been higher but I liked the idea of travel and merchandising. The fact is that I work day and night, and I’ve done mostly 80% travel in places far from home. There is no time to workout. I eat irregularly and less than ideal, although I’m still getting healthy alternatives when I can. The only solace is my weekends.
The job calls for a lot of up front investment of my own money for this travel. You do get reimbursed, but slowly. It’s not enough to stave off the constant investment I have sunk in already, and I’m always running broke.
No wonder I can’t sleep. Any thought of getting my mural biz up again or doing any art during the week…or any recreation or personal pursuits during the week other than chores…are shelved for now.
Things will change. This is the story of my life. Sometimes I have to step back in order to step forward. I was aware that this may happen, to expect things to be not as they seem or how they’ve been related to me by others. I will get out of this, I’ve been in far worse predicaments, I have always come out ahead. At least it’s a job.
The real point is: I’m still lucky. I have love in my life. I’ve shedded a lot of bad energy and people from my past. I’m in a place I find inspiring and beautiful.
I just wish I could fucking sleep.
I’d lie awake feeling my blood pulse and my heart pump quickly. A mild anxiety. I tried hot showers, meditation and aromatherapy. That didn’t work. I tried sleeping pills. These didn’t work. I tried gin. That worked, but I hated it. I hated the idea of relying on booze to allow my body to slip into much needed sleep. Sometimes, the booze didn’t work.
My life was not stressful, although I had gone through a good dose of it recently in the past. Work was easy and unchallenging. The only stress came from the jitters of moving all I owned from Dallas to Miami, which could in fact be a contributor. Each night my heart would pound hard, or my mind would race. Or both.
I went to my doctor. Immediately she told me it sounded for all the world like a drug symptom. Some drug in my body was giving me unwanted side effects. I don’t take drugs usually, except pain killers for a bad back and neck. Or allergy meds. But I was on Depo Provera for birth control. That’s the hormone they shoot in your hip every three months. It was very convenient and always worked for me.
I stopped taking it. It’s been about 4 months since the last shot and now I’m in Florida finally. I now have a very stressful and frustrating job as a regional manager for a company that has yet to get its shit together. My periods are back and I’ve put on some weight…mostly from the drug leaving me and a slip in my diet and workouts due to 60+ hours of work a week and constant travel.
Sleep started coming again naturally a week ago. But now I’m back to being up. The heart is fine, but now my head races with work. I cannot stop my mind from trying to work while my body lies down…paperwork, phone calls, talking to my divisional manager, talking to my reps, imagining uncovered stores floating in my head on a map like mapquest and trying to think who in that area can I give them to.
This job was sold to me as 50% travel and no more than 40 hours. The pay could have been higher but I liked the idea of travel and merchandising. The fact is that I work day and night, and I’ve done mostly 80% travel in places far from home. There is no time to workout. I eat irregularly and less than ideal, although I’m still getting healthy alternatives when I can. The only solace is my weekends.
The job calls for a lot of up front investment of my own money for this travel. You do get reimbursed, but slowly. It’s not enough to stave off the constant investment I have sunk in already, and I’m always running broke.
No wonder I can’t sleep. Any thought of getting my mural biz up again or doing any art during the week…or any recreation or personal pursuits during the week other than chores…are shelved for now.
Things will change. This is the story of my life. Sometimes I have to step back in order to step forward. I was aware that this may happen, to expect things to be not as they seem or how they’ve been related to me by others. I will get out of this, I’ve been in far worse predicaments, I have always come out ahead. At least it’s a job.
The real point is: I’m still lucky. I have love in my life. I’ve shedded a lot of bad energy and people from my past. I’m in a place I find inspiring and beautiful.
I just wish I could fucking sleep.
posted by Bostonbootgirl at 2:42 AM
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